Weight

Well ….. I am currently doing not so great with my weight loss. I have been stagnant. I lose a couple pounds and gain a couple pounds. This has been my lifelong struggle. I should be happy in that overall I am down 15 pounds (if I am on the right side of the scale) since March/April. It is just that I am not consistent in my efforts. I am doing really well with my trainer 2X’s a week (she is really pushing me) plus 1 workout on my own over the weekend and I am supposed to be walking on days off – that is hit or miss, but I am trying to get it in …. it is just so dang hot right now!

I think I have gained approximately 100 lbs since I was deathly ill with the Ulcerative Colitis. I had the surgery to have my colon removed in 2005 and I weighed close to 100 lbs. Everything I ate before that surgery went right through me. It wasn’t even worth the effort to actually eat. I practically lived in the bathroom. I had to drink protein and calories to sustain. After the surgery it was still difficult to eat as my internal JPouch needed a lot of time to heal and start functioning properly. I was forced to eat a little something every couple of hours. My friends brought my family dinners and brought me the highest caloric foods they could find. But still I could eat very little. I think because I was close to starvation mode at this time in my life, my body and metabolism are wonky ….. still! There were a few years before I was really really sick and a few years after when I was healing that I was at a good skinny weight and I liked it. But alas, it was hard to maintain! The weight kept piling on as the years went by.

In high school, looking back I was a good average weight. I thought I was super fat (I would love to be that “fat” again)! I was a member of the drill/dance team. We were well known around the area and it was a very strict and disciplined activity. We had to weigh-in every week. If we were not in the range we would get a tik – too many tiks and you get a demerit, too many demerits and you are off the team. I always struggled. I was right on the edge of my weight range. Before weigh-ins I would not eat day of and very little the day before. I took laxatives before weigh-ins and diet pills to maintain. The day after I would chow. A vicious cycle. I did not have a healthy relationship with food.

Today, I am trying just to be healthy, but I want to look good too. I was going to try a new weight loss program, it was based somewhat on meal replacements. As soon as they realized I don’t have a colon, I was told that the program would not work for me as I do not have the same absorption as others … it is always something! When I was sick, I was barely functional. I had severe clinical depression and an anxiety disorder (hence my love of benzodiazepines) along with the Ulcerative Colitis. I should be grateful that even though I am fat, I am somewhat healthy and I am much happier than I used to be. Of course I am still on a cocktail of antidepressants but hey, whatever takes. I will keep working with my trainer and keep using her as a coach. She keeps me accountable, I just have to willing to be willing to do what it takes. But sometimes you just have to eat!

Damn …. Just Damn

It has been a busy summer so far …. The days are long and warm, It has been good. Damn it is going by too quick. We will be shoveling snow before we know it.

I had a mucous cyst removed from my right index finger last week. Damn did it hurt. It is still sore, but the major pain has gone. You don’t realize how important each finger is, especially on your dominant hand, It has been a rough week. Just typing this is to some extent difficult.

With the cyst removal and the pain …. all I can say is Damn pain pills. I am over 6.5 years sober and once again I am obsessed with the pills. I didn’t think much about them when I truly needed them the first couple days post op. I have stopped the day time medicating as I like to run around too much to be stuck at home in a stupor unable to drive, I have been taking it only at night for a few nights. The sleep is soooooo good! But I think the time has come to be done, You just know when you no longer need them. It is now not a need, but a want. The thing is …. I am a pill addict and I am obsessed with the little amount of pills I have left. I can usually had over the pills to my husband for safe keeping, but it is always a hard act. I like the control of being in charge of my own destiny, even if it is torture. As a relatively sane person this makes no sense. So tonight, if I can, with a moment of clarity, I will relinquish the bottle of pills and wipe my hands of the whole messy obsession. Just Damn!

I have been continuing my diet …. sometimes wholeheartedly sometimes half-ass. I feel like I am making better food choices a majority of the time, but I do still like to eat. I haven’t walked since the finger surgery and it is just hot and muggy, but I have continued my workouts with my trainer for an hour 2X a week. I know that isn’t enough, but it is sure better than doing nothing like before. But that Damn scale is at a standstill. I lose a pound or two and gain a pound or two. I can’t break the cycle and it is really starting to get me down. I know Rome wasn’t built in a day, but come on!

On both accounts I just need to be willing to be willing and focus on my wellness.

So my goal is to walk and get rid of the pills, both of which I know I can do. I just might need a little nudge that is all. And one more Damn ….. it is about to storm and dinner is supposed to be on the grill. Glad I watered all the flowers.

Back At It!

I am back on the diet, exercise and life-style bandwagon. I was doing good with it, then we went to Dallas in April and all bets were off while on vacation and I slacked off for a few months after. Surprisingly, I was still down 4 lbs when I started back up several weeks ago. To date I am down 7 since starting back up so that makes ll lbs. I still have a super long way to go, but at least I am on the right track. 11 lbs is hardly noticeable when you are this fat, but I guess you have to start somewhere.

I am doing several things …. I am back on Noom and counting calories. I am working on Intermittent Fasting. I am working out with a trainer a couple times a week and I also just agreed to be a walking buddy with a friend. I know myself and I am either all or nothing. Right now I am in an “all phase” with something good. I hope to be able to keep the momentum going. I am getting older by the minute and I need to lose the weight and get healthy, not an easy task. That isn’t my only motivation, but that is a post for another time.

I still go out with friends and do fun things I just have to make better food choice and the calorie counting helps with that. I went to a birthday party over the weekend and had cake – and I felt totally disgusted with myself for eating it and it made feel headachy. So, may that be a reminder for next time!

I am working out with my Massage Therapist who is also a trainer, she is very holistic and I love that. She is taking on me as a whole person with many different needs and issues, which is a little different. I think I may be her little project, but I don’t care. It is what I need and I need the accountability.. She will definitely keep me on task.

I feel good. I am obsessed though with the morning weigh ins. Each day, I am excited to see the little changes and if the change is in the wrong direction, I definitely do better for the next day. I try not to have as many “Fuck-it” days, but I have had a few. I am working hard to change my mindset. If I could do it with alcohol and pills, I know I can do it with food and exercise. I just have to be willing to be willing, which is sometimes hard to conquer.

I hope by posting this and writing about it, it will give me another place to be accountable. This blog is about the Life and Times of Me and this is where I am at and what I am doing.

Father’s Day 2021

“Say not in grief: ‘He is no more,’ but live in thankfulness that he was.” – Hebrew Proverb

It doesn’t matter how long he has been gone, Father’s Day is never an easy day. My Dad has been with the heavenly Father for 11 years now and I still miss him like crazy. I am grateful to have had such a wonderful role model in my Dad. He was always present in our lives. He worked hard, but his wife (my Mom) and his children were his number one priority.

My Dad and Mom were high school sweethearts. They started dating at age 14. They were married for just under 45 years when he passed away unexpectedly at age 65. They both were and are a great example of lasting love.

I have a wonderful husband who is the perfect father of our two daughters. And like my own Dad, his priority is his family and what is not to love about that. I will take time to celebrate him and all he means to us.

It is a weird day. Allie is in Texas and Kirsten had to work today, my own Dad is gone, and Steve never really had a Father. No big celebration of Dads.

One thing I am able to do each day, is celebrate my family …. whether they are her on this earth or only here in spirit. I know I am lucky and that is definitely worth celebrating. So tonight, it will be a small dinner out. We will probably see lots of families and fathers and that is okay. I wouldn’t change the family I have and the family I had for anything. The experiences I have had, the love of my parents and family has made me who I am today.

I will never quit missing my Dad. He was a great force in our lives. I am grateful to have had in my life as long as I did. His memory and love will live on in my heart and soul forever.

With my non alcoholic drink in hand, I say Cheers to my wonderful Father and Husband. I love you ❤️

A Little Family History

Today is the 68th anniversary of the start of our family restaurant business. 68 years ago my grandfather started the business. In the early 90’s, my dad, and a partner bought the company and took over operations and ownership. That partnership did not last and so my dad became the sole owner/operator. Upon the unexpected passing of my dad in 2010, my two brothers did not miss a beat in taking over the company.

My dad was a smart guy, he started succession planning in the early 2000’s. It was my choice not to become an owner/operator (in-training) at that time. I was a mom with 2 young children and that is all I wanted to be. I did work in the company in several different capacities throughout the years. In a nutshell I pretty much handled coordinating marketing efforts and customer relations.

My brothers and I were the 3rd generation of the family to run the business. I retired 3 years ago …… I was unfulfilled and I felt I made a better sister than employee. As of now there are no great grandchildren of my grandfather that are interested in taking over the business – no 4th generation. There are 6 great granddaughters who range in age from 5-26. My girls are already grown and started in their “adult work” life. Who knows what my nieces will end up doing, but it doesn’t look like owning and operating the business. This makes me sad. We have come through so many trials and tribulations with this business and today it is quite successful once again.

My husband started working with the company a couple years ago as a consultant. Today he is full time at the business. He is helping my brothers navigate the future of the company and the day to day operations. Sales continue to be good despite the covid pandemic and expansions are taking place. I do feel a little left out, no longer being a part of the business, but still bearing the name the company as part of my name and heritage. It is a mixed up emotion.

I am proud of the work that is being done through the company and our family foundation. I am sure my dad is smiling down on us all …. and maybe my grandfather too (he is a whole different story) as we celebrate this milestone.

It is a good day to reflect on where we have been as a family, a business and important part of our community for the past 68 years …. the good, the bad and the ugly. I have been thinking of my dad a lot too as we just marked the 11th anniversary of his passing. I wish he was here to enjoy the fruit of his labor and the success of his children and grandchildren.

It will be interesting to see where the future takes this family and our restaurants.

On The Move

Day 3 of life in our new home. It is utter chaos at the moment. It really is a daunting task to find a place for everything in a new space. I am sure we will arrange and rearrange several more times before we are satisfied. We are finding things we forgot we had as a lot was packed away in storage the past 6 months.

I do love this new house and the neighborhood. The neighbors met so far have been over the top nice and welcoming. It is odd though being further away from all my places and people. I am sure it will take some getting used to and all will be fine.

Unpacking is interesting. Wondering why some things were kept in the first place and so many boxes to still open. Each one a surprise (even with the labeling). I did have an interesting find ….. old narcotic prescriptions. One for Steve and one that was mine. Like from 2017 and 2019, but that doesn’t matter. It sure did make this addict’s brain go there. It makes me wonder if there will ever be a time that I won’t be tempted by such find. They probably aren’t even good anymore since they are so old. But I did tell I found them …. to my sponsor and therapist. But I did keep them in the basket I found them in and then found a home for it. Maybe I will get rid of them and maybe I won’t. I don’t know why I feel the need to keep things like that. I still have that 1 left over Valium from my breast biopsy last September in my purse. Not that one will do me any good. It is weird. I guess I like knowing I have the choice and that I am in charge of what I do. Or maybe I just like white knuckling my recovery. Either way I know it is crazy thinking.

One of my friends from the AA program, who lives 2 doors down, is making the family dinner tonight and another neighbor brought us over a welcome to the neighborhood homemade coffee cake. There is still so much to do and so many new things to get used to. But I think I am going to like it here!

My Miscellaneous Life

I really don’t know where to start ….. life surely can come at you in many different directions at the same time. But it is all good.

We just got back from a quick weekend visit to Dallas, Texas to visit my oldest daughter, Allie and her boyfriend, Pat. It was a wonderful weekend full of fun, family and food. 3 plane flights in 3 months for me is huge and I didn’t even panic much. Steve, Kirsten, my Mom and I all enjoyed some quality Texas time. Allie and Pat seem very happy, but in no rush to move things along in terms of an engagement. I also got the feeling that they aren’t coming home anytime in the near future to put down roots. I loved having my grandparents close by while growing up and loved my kids being close to my grandma and their grandmas. But I am definitely getting way ahead of myself. So I will just try to stay in today.

We were in Dallas only Friday early thru Monday afternoon and that was the perfect amount of time. A lot of drinking happens when my family is together – not like alcoholic drinking …. just drinking and I was for the most part just fine with the whole thing, I did get a little jealous when they got the cold Chardonnay on the warm day on the rooftop bar. But I guess I am finally realizing my place in the world and it doesn’t include alcohol and sometimes that is just unfortunate.

While we were in Dallas, Steve and I celebrated our anniversary. 29 years of being married. It is a miracle. I am so grateful that we made it through a very rough patch with divorce on the table several years ago. We are good partners and happy.

As you know we are temporarily living in a condo while we build a home in town. Well the universe seemed to be against us doing that. So many roadblocks, couldn’t land on a design or stay within a budget. We found a house we loved in the next town over and jumped on it. Looked at it on a Sunday, got all the bank stuff and preapproval done on monday and now we are moving into an existing home on 5/17. It just felt right the moment we saw it. I think it was meant to be. So we are busy packing up again after only 6 months in the condo. Luckily we have a lot of stuff still packed up in the storage room and the storage unit we rented. It will nice to “find” all our stuff again. I am tired though of living in the half packed messy chaos of a condo. We will need to get out, get it cleaned and on the market. We bought it thinking we would be here for 18 months or so.

I strained my back and shoulder walking the dog – much pain. Been sucking down the Aleve and Tylenol for over a week. Got a medical massage to work out the kinks and it helped. Got some good advice and exercises to do to strengthen the muscles (which I have been very bad about doing). I finally went to the doctor and got a muscle relaxer. He gave me a prescription for 90 pills! It wasn’t my regular doc so he doesn’t know my drug abuse history, I had a rough couple of hours thinking about those pills and the oxy I picked up and delivered to a friend. It makes me crazy that my mind still thinks like an addict. I took only 1 pill as prescribed, but it didn’t do much and my addict brain is thinking 2 pills may be better to help the pain and sleep issues better. I did have a nice long chat with my sponsor and now Steve controls the pills. The thing is I am allowed to have to 3 a day, but he will only give me 1 per night. Damn.

We got our second Covid vaccine this week. I still debated on whether or not to go through with it, but again family pressure. I feel fine this time and it is Steve who got sick from the 2nd dose. It is just weird that we have no history on these shots and what they may or may not do to us in the long run. We are totally trusting the system and I am not sure if that is wise.

So, the trip, moving, and the pain / pills and shot is what my life has been these last couple of weeks. It is all a little stressful, but it is all good.

The weekend is about to start and it is full of plans that also will include those around me drinking. That is just life! I am just living life on life’s terms and taking it one day at a time.

MONEY $

I got a message the other day from a lady I used to sort of sponsor. She never really embraced the AA recovery route. She wanted to talk and had a question for me. Well, we know where this is going, right?

She had called a few weeks back just to check in and give me an update on her life. She seems to be doing well. She called at the perfect time as I was feeling low and like I had no purpose in life. She told me how much I have helped her and that I am always there for her and for that she is grateful ….. wow, wasn’t expecting that, but it made me feel good. We ended the call with the promise to get together to further the conversation. She is sober and taking another route to sobriety. I know everyone has their own journey, some can do it without a twelve step program, I am not one of those people.

We aren’t really friends, I think of us as more like acquaintances and maybe from her point of view I am a little bit like a mentor. But I rarely hear from her. We met from a mutual friend, and my goal was to help her get sober.

Fast forward to this week when I got the text ….. “I have a question, can you call me” As soon as she opened her mouth and started talking I knew where this conversation was going. It is always so awkward when some comes right out and asks for money. I have loaned money or I should say given money to an “acquaintance” friend in the program and got burned. I have also loaned money to a great friend in the program with no problems. The thing is, I feel guilty not helping out. I have money. But I don’t have the trust in this person and that there is the difference. She is not my friend and I feel a little used and angry.

I don’t know why I have so many mixed emotions about this. I can not be the bank for those in need this way. I do donate money and time to organizations that I believe in. We have worked hard to get to the place we are in life. I am grateful to have what I have and to be able to do the things we do. I won’t mention the fact that my husband would not be happy if I loaned money to another miscellaneous friend. He is okay with the loans I have given my real friend, as she is his friend too.

I have got to know I did the right thing, and move on. What are your thoughts?

Vaccine

I went ahead and got my Covid vaccine the other day. I debated and debated and I am still not sure if I made the correct decision. I think it was more of family peer pressure. I just don’t know if I trust the long term effects of a shot the was developed so quickly …. what are the potential long term side effects, no one knows.

I have only received the first dose so far and since I have come this far I will get dose 2 at the end of the month. I did get some of the side effects after the shot. The very sore arm and very mild Covid like symptoms that lasted about 36 hours.

There is so much chatter about the vaccine that it is hard to know who to believe, even if you research there is always a pro and a con. I have friends on both sides.

I am tired of the mask wearing and the social distancing …. which is really only half assed at this time. My world is pretty much normal, we still go out and about our business and wear the mask when I must.

Big crowds and those who take no mind of the virus and just party on concern me. I think if you are conscious and aware and have some common sense you will be ok.

I really hope this vaccine is the answer. I do know some who have been very ill from Covid and though I wasn’t deathly ill when I had, it still was not pleasant.

I hope I have made the right choice. All we have at this point is Hope!

Good Choices

It’s Friday, Day #25 of my Noom change in eating adventure. I think I have lost 5 lbs so far. The damn scale keeps fluctuating and I get discourage very easily. I am eating so much better and less calories. Am I doing perfectly, uh that is a big NO! I like food and don’t love vegetables, but I am eating them and more of them then ever before. You could say that I am making good choices …. most of the time.

I do save a lot of calories since I do not drink alcohol, so happy hour isn’t an issue. I have gotten somewhat complacent in my recovery program. It ebbs and flows like everything else. I am still doing meetings, but I haven’t been all in. So I have restarted a morning program and I am trying to get back in the big book. I think I need to also switch up some of my meetings. I need to try something new and freshen up my program. I don’t want to drink, but I am just grumpy. So again, making good choices.

I have heard from several people in the program who are just coming back to meetings in person after getting the covid vaccine. Some have relapsed others just feel lost. All feel the need to get back in and start from the beginning of the steps and refresh their program. I have been going to in person meetings, but I understand the need for a refresh. It has just all been a little different.

At our club mask wearing is hit or miss. Some are crazy for the mask (and they mostly stay away) while others are very confident in not wearing them. It has been a constant battle that is hopefully coming to an end soon. Things are getting less restrictive again and covid numbers seem to be dropping.

I look forward to the day when all my scale quits fluctuating and stays down and I look forward to the day we go maskless and not have to worry so much about covid. I miss the parties and the large group functions. Especially the sober ones we used to plan at the Club. I miss my tribe. Until then, I and hopefully others will continue to make good choices,