I have not been doing a good job keeping up with this blog thing …. it is sometimes hard to know what to write.  I want to share my life, but maybe not share too much.

I have been asked to give my lead at the AA meeting on Sunday.   That is to share my story.   I have done it a few times in the past, but that doesn’t matter.   It is still nerve wracking.

I talk to groups at work, but it is not about me …. it is the story of my company, not the story of me.

It is funny, I know all the people at this meeting, I love this group and the people in it, but I am still terrified.

I can’t just get up there and talk like most people do, I am afraid I will forget what to say, even though I know my story better than anyone else.   I  have written out word for word what I would like to say.   I will take notes with me, but of course I won’t read them verbatim.     I just hope I get my point across, that I can help someone with my story and that I don’t look foolish up there speaking.

I haven’t had much time to prepare … only a week.    I haven’t had much time to worry about it because I have been really busy.   But now that it is Friday and Sunday is only a few days away, I am starting to get anxious.

I know it will be fine and that nobody will throw rotten tomatoes at me because they love me back.   I need to just breathe and know I am enough just the way I am and leave the outcome to God.

I am debating on whether or not to post my story here – the story I hope to share on Sunday.

Well, wish me luck








Outside Help

So I met with my life coach today … things are going well.   So far I have told you I have 2 therapist, a life coach, I have a sponsor and I use a personal trainer.   I am either really pathetic and need a lot of help or I am smart and using my resources.  I find more than anything that I need to be accountable and those professionals hold me accountable for things I really should be able to do on my own, but don’t.    I need my sponsor to help me stay on right path with my sobriety, I use my personal trainer to make sure I work out on a regular basis (thats a hard one), my personal therapist helps me navigate life, the marriage  therapist keeps the marriage going on the right tract and the Life coach is helping me find my purpose.    Your average person can and should be able to do these things on their own …. I guess I am not your average person.

Back to my session with my coach – we are almost through with the paid for 10 sessions, I think I have grown through this process and have become more aware of my position and the choices I have.  Life is too short to be idle and unhappy.  Being bored is my enemy and I have been bored, I have been unhappy and idle, but really just bored.   Things are looking up and I am starting to get a plan for the future, which I was unsure about.  I am finally excited about the future and the possibilities.   I have my new sponsee that I am working with and I am looking into volunteering (more on that when it happens).  I am actually starting to find some purpose.    when your kids grow up and out you have to reinvent yourself and I think that is where I am at.

I am grateful for all the outside help I am receiving.  It keeps me honest, accountable and growing.    As my coach has said … I am allowing thing things to  unfold and unfolding they are.

10 years in the making

Did I mention that I was an alcoholic and a prescription drug addict?  Well it is true, and it has taken me 10 years to get where I am today.   I was a chronic relapser.   In the past 10 years my longest sobriety has been 2 years and 9 months.  I just couldn’t quite get it.   I always seemed to forget the problems that alcohol and Ativan caused me.   This past weekend I finally hit that number again, but this time I am going to keep going. Things have been different this time around.   I have finally become a part of my 12 step group, I am in not just around the fellowship.   I have more gratitude, I am doing more service work and I finally really like who I have become (well for the most part).    Today I have choices and I choose to be sober … at least for today.    We only have to do this one day at a time.    To think too far into the future is overwhelming.  I am really excited to make it to the next milestone … 3 years, but I can not get ahead of myself.

I recently got a new sponsee, my first one, I love her, she is great and has so much potential.   I am excited to share my experience, strength and hope with her.    I have a lot of experience in what not to do.  I hope my trials can save her some pain and that I can successfully take her through our 12 steps.    I know I can not alone keep her sober, but I will do my best to be the best I can be to help her muddle through this thing we call alcoholism.

So today it has been 2 year, 9 months and 3 days since my last relapse / drink.  I am looking forward to seeing where the rest of this sober life will take me …. One Day at a Time.


What Next

So I just turned 50 in June and I have been trying to figure out what to do with the rest of life … I need more purpose.   I have a life coach and a therapist, actually I have 2 therapist – yes I need that much outside help.   Anyway with all that help you would think I would be able to figure this life out and what to do with this next chapter.    Through the coaching process and with the help of my therapists I have discovered some self awareness which is good.   I have not had that Aha Moment yet of what the rest of this life is going to look like.   I think I know what I don’t want to do, but I am still sorting that out too.   I know one thing for sure, it is that I am grateful for the first 50 years and all the trial and errors of my life.   I am grateful to make it to this place in life where I have a choice of what my future looks like.  In the meantime I have been reading a lot of self help books … the latest “Finding the Meaning of the Second Half of Life … How to finally, Really Grow Up.  I will figure this out some way, some how.   IMG_4071