51

So I turned 51 on June 9th and I am grateful.

There are several times in my life where I thought I would die either by my severe Ulcerative Colitis and my colon removal surgery or by my own hand due to a bad case of clinical depression and anxiety (combined alcohol and drug use).   I don’t really think I would ever actually go through with it, but it did cross my mind on many occasions during that period of time.

Suicide has been in the news a lot the last couple of weeks due to a couple of celebrities killing themselves, but it is a much bigger problem then just a couple of celebrities.   The stats are unreal.  I read that approximately 123 people each day kill themselves with another 25 people who attempt suicide that aren’t successful.  That is crazy sad, but I know that feeling of desperation and hopelessness and I understand it.  It is by the grace of God that I am here and able to write this.

My life is not perfect and I still have moments of what is the point of life – I mean really we are all going to die and we want to believe we will be in a better place in death.   It is too intense think about most of the time … but I do go there sometimes.  I am not necessarily afraid of death, but just the dying part.

Seriously though I have a lot to live for.   I am grateful for each day I have with my family and friends on this great earth.  I am happy to be alive and to be where I am today … sober, content, mentally stable, loved and of service.  Being 51 is a privilege that not everyone gets.