Poison Ivy

I just got over a bad case of poison ivy on my arms.    The scratch and bumps on my arm reminded me of a time years past when I used to self harm.    My head was a mess and my anxiety was out of control and so was the pain of my Ulcerative Colitis.   To harm myself was a way to control the emotional pain and the pain in my gut.  It also worked as a release for the anxiety.   I know it is crazy and difficult to understand especially coming from a grown woman.    It started with picking, went to scissors, knives, razor blades and the hot iron.   I deserved the pain.  I don’t know why … I just did.

Here is another writing of mine for September, 2003 about cutting.

 

My Knife

I hide my knife

upon the shelf

I get it out

when I am by myself

I don’t want anyone to see

what it is I do to me

as I touch the blade

I watch as the blood cascades

I am at a loss

as I slice across

there is some shame

as I feel the pain

I can’t stop the urge

maybe these scars I deserve

I fight the need to cut deep

the scars on my soul, I shall keep

when I cut it is my belief

the pain in me gets some relief

I wonder if it is a sin

the way that I cut my skin

 

I am so grateful the I am not longer in that space of emotional crazies.   The poison ivy has cleared up and I am happy that I no longer have to self harm to survive.  My life has cleared up to.   It is amazing what mental health help and sobriety will do for you.