Steve, the girls and I spent Christmas this year in Key West, Florida.    It was nice to be with the kids together for a week in the sunshine.   Our time together is limited since Allie lives away and Kirsten is still in college.    We had a good time.

I did miss getting together with the extended family and our Christmas tradition of making braciola for Christmas dinner that my Dad started when the kids were young.    A tradition that the grandchildren insist on keeping since grandpa passed away in 2010.   It is a great memory we all share and a tie that binds the family.     But going away every couple of years is my little family tradition – this was our 3rd Christmas away and one we may not be able to do much longer as my kids get older and get on with their lives.

In Key West there was a lot of drinking and bar hopping.  I did well, drinking is not an option, but it sure did look good and I felt a little left out.   I managed.    We went on a couple of fun excursions … we did a food tour, a sunset cruise and got out of our comfort zone and went to our first drag queen show.     The drag show was so fun and entertaining.   The food tour was informative and delicious and of course I was the only one not again not drinking alcohol.   The sunset cruise was just ok, beautiful sunset, but too many people.

I am glad we went and that we had some quality family time.  But  Christmas just didn’t seem like Christmas this year, it was just another day in the sun and I really did miss being home with the rest of the family.   I still have a pile of gifts to give.

On another note ….. my therapist is officially retiring at the end of the year.   So I  had my last appointment with Judy before our trip.   It is weird.  I have been going for so long … like 15 years or so.   She has seen me through so much and knows me so well.   I feel like we have broken up or something, that the relationship is just cut off.   I really don’t know how to process it.    I do have someone else – I have switched over to seeing Shelley, the person who was originally our marriage counselor.   But it is change and I don’t do well with change.     I will always be in therapy, I just need it!

I still have trouble with change and control …. and fear of missing out.

Vacation was wonderful, but there is no place like home!!!

 

 

Well it has been about a month since my car accident.   I got my new car last week.   I am getting used to it and I love it.

I am still a little freaked out and over cautious about driving.  I am doing really well during the day, but rainy weather and night time is a different story.    I haven’t driven much at night at all.    I have places to go the next two evenings and I am panicked.   I have cancelled plenty of evening plans the last couple of weeks and it is time for me to step up and take some control back … I want to join the party.   I can do this, right?  I am so anxious and projecting all that can go wrong.

Steve had an accident last week.   It was a different kind of accident, but he has no fear of driving – I even have fear riding with him and others.   I am an even worse passenger then I was before.   Steve was out of town and there was nothing I could do to help him.   I am so grateful it wasn’t more serious as it very well could have been.  It was a rental car and a business trip so it is the company’s insurance.

I am feeling better, still have some pain in my back and I am seeing my chiropractor.   I have had a couple therapy sessions on this fear of driving.   I am hoping time will help since nothing else really is.

I went to a meeting tonight just so I could “practice” driving at night to prepare for the next couple of days.  It is the first time I have driven my new car at night.   Let me just say I would hate to be the person behind me.  The AA club is a straight shot from my house so it is not difficult, tomorrow and the next day will be more of a challenge, a challenge that I just hope I am up to.

 

4 years of continuous sobriety.   It is no small miracle.  I am so grateful for the place I am at in my life.    Life really is better sober.

I was given my token today from one of my bffs in and out of the program, someone I always confessed to each time I relapsed.    She has helped me on this journey in so many was.    I was honored that she gave me the 4 year token that her sponsor gave her.  I will treasure it!

At todays meeting there was a 90 day token, 6 months,  my 4 years, an 11 years and a 45 years.   It was an awesome celebration of sobriety.    I am so blessed to a part of such a wonderful group of people.

The obsession to drink and use has reared its ugly head a few times, but it is not nearly as bad as it used to be … sometimes I still think I can, but I know I can’t.

As I said to today, ” It has taken a village to raise me”    I can only hope that I will be able to continue on this journey and continue to grow and learn.

God has always had my back and I am so grateful!