I am sitting here on my beautiful back patio enjoying a the warming weather of spring. Just thinking and letting my mind wander. My life is good … on the outside. No seriously it is good and I feel guilty for not been happy and joyous. It has been about a year since I have quit working and I am still trying to find myself. I volunteer, work with my sponsees go to AA meetings, see my trainer and hang out with friends and family. What is there not to love about this life. I just don’t know, I need more purpose. I am feeling what is the point of all this life stuff and know there has to be one.
My therapist suggests that maybe taking a class would help keep my mind busy so I am thinking about what I want to do. I do enjoy learning and a class would give me something to focus on … but what? I am researching online courses and it is overwhelming. I did find an inexpensive site with a lot of options of work at your own pace classes which might be a good place to start, I could just dabble in something and see if it goes anywhere. Steve and I are also contemplating a yoga class – which could be helpful with our anxiety and stress and overall lack of flexibility. I am starting a bible study class this week so that is something too. There is also a “class” of sorts I want to take about breaking the barriers to exercise, diet and health (since I have done very little in that arena as well). I have got to do something more with myself. I have just got to get up and do it!
So obviously I am still in this funk. I am not sure what it is about, but it is making me crazy. I just don’t want to feel this way and it does make for some crappy days. I don’t want to drink and/or drug, but it would sure take the edge off. I just have so much to loose if I choose to go that route. Like I said before, I have some great friends in recovery that I love with all my heart and I do not want to loose that. I also (usually) enjoy working with others in the program.
I guess I just have to feel the feels and keep acting like life is as good as it is, because I am sure it will be again soon. I just seem to cycle through these down and anxious periods. I really am blessed and grateful, I know I have it good. Lets just be Happy, Joyous and Free.