Month: July 2020

Whole Food Challenge

~ lorah ~ Leave a comment

Today is day 1 of my whole30 challenge.    It is not a diet of sorts but more of a way to reset your body and mind and along the way hopefully some weight and inches will come off.

30 days ….. No sugar, dairy, grains, legumes, soy, carrageenan, MSG, sulfites or anything like a baked good even with approved ingredients and NO CHAI TEA LATTE (my morning breakfast and drink of choice) Like the title of the diet – only whole foods.    Yikes!   This girl likes to eat and loves her carbs and her sugar-free chai latte with almond milk (no sugar substitutes either).

I am embarking on this journey with Ann, my friend and sponsor.   Hopefully we can support each other through the end of our 30 day commitment.

Day 1 and I am excited and pumped to do this.   I am a little leery that I won’t make it.   I am either all in or all out.  Like most with addiction issues, it is either all or nothing.  Today, I am all in.   I have bought the books and my fridge is stocked with approved foods.   With alcohol and pills and even other food diets, I always tend to relapse if I don’t have my shit together.    So that will be key for the next 30 days.

I have got to do something about my weight and health and hope this will be the beginning of it.

I am guessing if I can give up pills and alcohol I should be able to do this for 30 days.   My hope is at the end of the 30 days when you reintroduce foods back into your diet that I will have reset my eating habits.

I believe eating and my chai became my new addiction, it is now time to reign it in.  Steve and Kirsten will eat the dinners and food I prepare for meals, but they are not all in.   Heaven forbid they quit drinking alcohol for a month.  I will not judge their choices.

Today, I was tired and sluggish in the afternoon.   Missing my caffeine.  Took a nap.   Was hungry so I had  dinner at 5:00 PM.   Hopefully I can get through the remainder of the evening.   There is always fruit to be eaten.

I can do this, right?  Wish me luck!

Pool Party

~ lorah ~ Leave a comment

My baby niece turned 4 yesterday,  It seems like yesterday that she was a tiny thing.   It was a unicorn pool party and of course our little Caroline was adorable.   she has a boat load of girl cousins from both sides of the family …. there are 11 of them.   My 2 girls, 25 and  22, my youngest brothers kids 17,15 and 11 then the cousins on the other side are 13, 10, 8, 5, 2 and our 4 year old birthday girl.   Quite the range of cousins, but all girls!  All were there except Allie who has recently moved to Texas.

Then there are the adults.   Family and friends who are like family.    Everyone is an Aunt or Uncle besides the grandparents.     Caroline is a lucky girl to have so many adults to love on her and spoil her.    Caroline really knows how to get along and act with adults, like I said she is adorable!

These pool parties, even a birthday party for a kid, some how turn into a drink fest.     There were fancy slushy drinks in hollowed out pineapples – with alcohol of course …. and lots of beer and white claw type drinks.     Who doesn’t want to drink on a hot day at a pool party, right?    And for me it was ok not to drink …. that is until everyone has had a little too much and I got a little too irritated.       I know I have lost that luxury to drink and my problems should not affect how others drink or not drink, and it doesn’t bother anyone but me.     I was definitely bothered.     Some know why I don’t drink, others don’t.    Some offer me drinks which I politely decline and others claim I am grumpy because I need a drink  (at the end of the night when most are pretty lit).   It can be quite annoying and trigger the poor me feelings.

Sometimes when a lot of drinking is happening and I know it is time to go ….. it is difficult to pull Steve away (not usually, but sometimes).  He was clearly enjoying himself and the beverages a little too much.    Why do I get so angry and as one friend said grumpy?   drinking is one thing, drunkenness is another and my tolerance varies.    I still feel awkward when everyone is at that point and I am left with my seltzer water.   I don’t like it.    I have to know myself and play that tape all the way through of what will happen if I do enjoy the drink.   I know it will not end well for me.     Finally I just gave the final warring …. I am leaving NOW, with or without you.   A wise friend suggested  that he “get on that bus” and go home.   lol.

I feel good today ….. no hangover.    But I still feel irritated.   I am playing that passive aggressive game.    Stupid.   No one knows I am angry, but I definitely am not being what you would call nice.

I need to get over myself and let others live their lives as they see fit, but I can not let their choices affect me and my sobriety.     The party started at 1:00 PM and I finally got to leave at 9:30 PM (with a little break in between to feed the dogs).   That is long birthday party for a little girl.   And let me tell you those kids where still going strong, just getting out of the pool as we were leaving.   To be young again and to be able to drink again …… that ship has sailed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Letting Go

~ lorah ~ Leave a comment

Like I said in my last post, I was to give my lead (my addiction journey) at my Sunday AA meeting.   Well ….. I am proud to say I did it!

I was surprisingly calm.   I am usually a basket case before a lead.   I didn’t have the time to worry about it with only 1 days notice.  I usually would have not accepted a last minute offer or I would have spent the 4th of July at home practicing and writing instead of enjoying the holiday.  I was not a bit nervous and had no anxiety.   Very strange for someone like me who is an anxious person to begin with.    

In the past, I would practice practice practice, make notes and write down word for word what I wanted to say.   This time I decided it was time to let go of the control and give it over to God.     Just letting go of the outcome had a peaceful affect on me.   I like to be in control.   Letting it go is not my usual way.

I have been doing much better of giving over control of other things as well.   There is an upcoming picnic for our club, planned by my social committee.   I have given over control and am letting others help.   Things may not match perfectly,   the cake not be decorated as I would have chosen and I am letting folks bring whatever they choose.   I like things to be a certain way when I am planning something.    Life as we know it will not end if things aren’t perfect, in fact I will probably be the only one to notice.

Back to my story or as we call call it my lead ….. it came off well.   People in the rooms laughed with me when appropriate, they listened with open ears and the comments afterwords were encouraging.    I talked for approximately 40 minutes with no notes, no practice and no idea of what I was going to say.  I let God have control over my words and it worked.   It took away the fear and anxiety and I just spoke from my heart.  When it was over, I was not sure exactly what I said, but all the feedback was quite positive and it felt good.   I felt relieved that I could get out of my comfort zone and do this.     Who knows now what I will be able to do next.

It has taken me years to loosen the reigns of control especially in giving a lead.   I have given several during my 13 years in the program, but not once I have let go until this last time.   I know I am finally making progress, I am learning more about myself and I am trusting the process.    All good stuff.

So instead of just saying the words; Let Go and Let Go, I have to practice what I preach!

Freedom

~ lorah ~ Leave a comment

Pool day, fireworks and more fireworks ….. Yes it is the 4th of July 💥

The fireworks start going off days before the 4th at least in our neighborhood with the big city shows and crazy neighbor shows tonight. A lot of big cities and towns are closing shop again and having shelter in place rules due to an increase in the COVID virus A few cities even around here have required mask wearing. But in my small Ohio suburb, life goes on for the most part.

Even though things in this country are a little crazy with some unrest, I am still grateful to be living in the USA. Maybe because it is all I know, but from what I know, Yes … I am. Is our country perfect … not at all, but I am grateful for the freedoms we have and the life I have.

This morning at the AA meeting we talked about the Freedom from alcohol and drugs on this Independence Day. It was a great discussion and gave me pause to really think. Today, I have the freedom of choice. There once was a time when I needed and had to take the pills or have drinks. By the Grace of God, today I more often than not make good choices and there is a freedom in that. Freedom to be the person I was meant to be. With the pain pill incident, I had a choice and I chose well. In this Country we are free, thanks to the founding Fathers and those who serve and I am so very grateful for that too.

I have the choice to be the hand in AA to be there for others and to be of service to the group. I was asked to today to give the lead tomorrow morning. Not my favorite thing to do, but if you can do it, you should do it. I choose to be honest and say yes to be of service. I usually have a lot more time to prepare and I make a huge deal out of it, writing it all out, color coding and practicing. I am trying something different this time. I am just going to trust God will give me the words and speak from the heart. I know my story and can tell it as I see fit tomorrow. It is a little nerve wracking and out of my comfort zone, but I have to have faith. I have found a little freedom in going with the flow for this lead which is kind of amazing for this control freak. Freedom from worry and stress is a peaceful feeling. I just must not think too much about it. I will let you know how it goes. It may be good, it may be only 15 minutes long, I may stumble through it. I am just going to do what I can. These are my friends and they may laugh with me, but never at me. It will be ok.

Freedom comes in many forms. We should appreciate and enjoy each freedom we have been given …… Freedom is a Gift!