Does anyone ever really think ….. What is the point?
I often ponder why I was put on this earth and what I am supposed to accomplish. It is a heavy question and a burden.
I know I am supposed to be a good person of faith, love and compassion. But is there more? Was I put on this earth to suffer with my disease of Ulcerative Colitis, addiction, depression and anxiety so I could help and be of service to others? Surely I didn’t go through those things for no reason …. the outcome of those issues is that I am a stronger more compassionate understanding individual. Maybe it is all to help me grow into the person that I am supposed to be. I don’t know.
For awhile I thought my purpose was to be a Mom and it was, but my children are grown and on their own now. Yes, I am still their Mother, but in a different capacity.
Maybe there is no point after all and it is just life and then we die.
But I have to believe there has to be a purpose to this journey here on earth or there wouldn’t be a point to be here and to participate in this life.
I often pray to know God’s will for me and the only thing that I know for sure is that He wants me to be Sober and of Service …. maybe that is the point and the only point and I have to let that be enough, but is it enough?
Father’s Day is always now kind of bitter sweet. As I am scrolling thru Facebook I see all these happy faces of friends with their Fathers. I am grateful for my Daddy who was taken away from us too soon, 9 years ago at age 65. I had a wonderful Father who taught me so much about about living, loving, God and family. I was truly blessed with the Father that I had and I treasure the memories I have.
I also have a wonderful husband who is the Father of my children. I couldn’t ask for a better guy. He has some of the great qualities my own Father had and they were close.
I know my Dad in heaven is proud of us and our family. I just miss him so much. I have the sense that he is around in a spiritual way, but I do wish he was still on earth to impart his wisdom on us all and to see his children and grandchildren thrive as well as our family business. I wish he was alive to enjoy the fruits of his labor.
So I may be a little jealous of all the Father’s Day photos I see on Facebook. But I would not trade or change the Father I had for anything. I love you Daddy!
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!
Its a good day to recognize those women who have mothered us and helped us grow. Our Mother’s, Mentors and Friends. I love my Mother so much, she is an awesome Mom. Sometimes I wish I could be more like her … spur of the moment, love of travel and of all things and very adventurous. She is a free spirit (and sometimes these traits drive me crazy). I on the other hand am more careful, conservative, a planner and a homebody …. more like my Dad I would say. My mom and I have a wonderful relationship, she is my biggest supporter. I don’t think though she understands my addiction issues and recovery very much and we rarely talk about it, but she is proud of me for getting sober and for the Mother that I am.
I love being a Mom. I am grateful to be the Mother of 2 wonderful young women. My girls have really turned out to be good people and I couldn’t be prouder of them. They are both on their way to becoming self sufficient adults. I feel like I have done my job in raising them. I miss having them around, but I have had to let them leave the nest and fly. It is different being a Mother to adult children. I sometimes miss those days when my kids were younger. I still worry about them, even though they are adults. I worry about that addiction gene, I pray they don’t have it. They like to have fun and drink, but don’t seem obsessive about it or to have that addictive personality …. yet. My girls seem well grounded and mostly responsible. I am grateful that my girls have a close relationship with my Mom (in fact my oldest daughter, Allie, is just like my Mom) and had a close relationship with my Grandma, their Great Grandma, who passes away only 4 years ago. We all live(d) in the same area and got to enjoy each other as family.
Life keeps going. I am so happy my girls were home to celebrate the Mother’s Day weekend with me and spend some time with my Mom. I do miss my Grandma, but she is definitely here always in spirit.
I am honored to have so many wonderful (older) women in my life who may not be my Mother, but who have helped shape and mold the person I am today. This is especially true of the women I know and love in recovery. I am a very lucky Girl, Daughter and Mother.
Back on my beautiful back patio, chilling, listen to the birds sing and letting my mind wander some more. I am blessed with my family and friends and the life I have despite the obstacles of addiction and at times mental issues.
This past weekend we celebrated Easter. Both of my girls were home at the same time, the first since Christmas. I had not seen Kirsten, the Chicago daughter since then. It was so wonderful having a full house …. the two girls plus 1 boyfriend for a long weekend. It is different with adult children our relationship has changed to an adult relationship. Steve and I really enjoy our adult children, we had a lot of fun just hanging out with them and being together. We did the family Easter thing at my Moms house celebrating with my brothers and family … 14 of us in all. And though it was very loud and chaotic at times, it was still wonderful. I love having everyone together, the kids ages 2.5 to almost 24 enjoyed the Easter Egg Hunt, it was fun to watch the little ones and the big kids act like little ones.
Now it is Monday. Allie and Patrick are back to work in Columbus. We took Kirsten to the airport this morning for her flight back to Chicago and school and Steve left for an overnight business trip. I went from a full house to just me sitting at home alone contemplating life. I am back to having an earache and sore throat and sinus issues … which is making me more self aware that I am now alone and feeling a little sad. I miss having my kids around, but they are spreading their wings and I am proud of them. They are great kids or I should say they have turned out to be great people.
Really I should have nothing to complain about, I am truly blessed.