anesthesia – The Life and Times of Me

I haven’t written in long while, I am just out here trying to live life on life’s terms ….. which isn’t always the easiest thing to do. Sometimes it is a downright battle, but let us not go there right now.

Allie and Patrick finally got engaged. The official engagement date was 5/21, so it has definitely been a minute or two. With all her snooping, she was still surprised. It was sweet, They were at a park in Dallas with the dog – they were going to go on a picnic but forgot the blanket so they just walked around and he popped the question. He had a party with friends planned for after the proposal and even had her bestie fly in from Chicago to complete the surprise. We are truly excited to welcome Pat and his family into ours. We have no wedding plans as of yet. There is still the decision as to where the wedding will be …. Dallas or Dayton/Cincinnati. We have said our peace and given our thoughts, but it is their wedding and they must decide. We have an engagement party planned for a couple of weeks from now here as they will be in Ohio for a wedding. It is just family and very few special friends. I will update after their visit.

With it being summer and the 4th of July holiday there have been a lot of drinking events, but I am holding my own. There are moments when I wish I could drink ….. take part in the jello shots. It is such a drinking culture that sometimes it is difficult not to feel left out. I love my sober life and my sober friends – but ………..

Ok so the really big news, because we all knew that Allie and Pat were going to get engaged, that was just a matter of timing …… I finally got a breast reduction. it has been 8 weeks since the surgery and I am doing great. The wounds are almost healed and I am finally able to do things around the house and in life in general. It was a rough go not being able to carry, lift or push anything. There was pain, but it wasn’t anything like I thought it would be. I only took 2, well maybe 3 Percocet …… 2 that were desperately needed and 1 , well, not so much.. I just survived on Tylenol and Motrin for several weeks. The wounds were gross and took a lot of cream and gauze. The surgeon took out a total of 6.75 lbs of breast. I am getting used to my new size ….. now it is time to get rid of the love handles and old lady belly. I found it interesting and refreshing that the anesthesiologists asked if I wanted a different cocktail that wasn’t (addictive type) narcotics. My sober friends and I joke that anesthesia for a very few short seconds is the best, but anyway I did tell him to give me whatever would best and I could deal with it. I got 20 pain pills with this surgery. I still had my 18 from my kidney stone. Good news, I finally emptied my drawer of all the pain meds and handed them over to Steve to get rid of or hide, not sure which he did. I did say hide don’t pitch, but you never know. The pills after all this time were “talking” to me and I was really struggling. Taking that extra Percocet when I wasn’t sure if I really needed it scared me enough to take action, I have been seeing my surgeon every couple of weeks for post op. I am thinking only a few more visits and I will be good to go.

With the breast surgery my diet went to shit. I have been on a new program (that I paid a pretty penny for) it has a lot of accountability and pretty straight forward and kinda strict guidelines. I was all in before the surgery and losing weight but since surgery I have not been able to get in the right frame of mind to go all in. I am eating better, but half-assing the program. I am pretty discouraged with it right now and I hate going for my check ins because I am running out of excuses as to why my weight is staying constantly the same. It is rough. I want to eat and I want to drink like a normal person – ugh!

Well, that is the Life and Times of Me for the last couple of months. I am at a crossroads trying to figure out what my life is for and what I should be doing with it. Stay tuned, I may or may not ever figure it out.

I love being sober. I love the life I have created, the friends that I have made and the people I may help by being sober. The gifts of sobriety are too numerous to count.

The disease of addiction though, is cunning, baffling and powerful. It wants to see me use, it wants to see me dead. My diseases recently reared its ugly head that made me questions everything I know and love.

It started about 10 days ago, with a medical procedure. I had my no colon version of the colonoscopy, a pouchoscopy. A test to take a look at my Jpouch that is sort of the same monster of the colonoscopy. In the past when I had my check ups at the Cleveland Clinic with my surgeon no anesthesia was used. New hospital and new surgeon, a lot closer to home and the use of anesthesia. Yay!!! because the other way in my opinion was barbaric. I am an addict. I like anesthesia. My drug of choice was a sedative. The all day sleep I got after the procedure and that kinda groggy feeling was all too familiar. Ok, so it really was no big deal.

That was a Friday, fast forward to the following Monday and I had my hand surgery for carpal tunnel. I just had a local for that one – numb hand and fully aware and awake. But that one came with pain pills, though it is not my drug of choice it is still a good drug! I took one as soon as I could with the still numb hand as directed by the doctor and took a nice nap. Took another one for the next 3 nights. Good sleep. Ok, so no problem, I am taking them as directed. It is when the pain isn’t enough to warrant the pain meds that the problems begin.

When do you stop, how do you know the pain is really over? I believe you know, I knew. But those damn pills where still there and they wanted me to take them. They never stopped singing that sweet song as my sponsor said. Spoiler alert: I did not take the pills. I struggled, I fought with myself, I obsessed, I stressed. I held the pills, I counted the pills, I even tried to smell the pills. All this and I was just a little bit stronger than the disease …. this time. I talked to my therapist and I emailed with my sponsor. They both told me to do what I knew to do – hand over the pills to Steve to get rid of for me. God knows I could not throw them out. But I did not want to. Why I felt the need to hang on to them and torture myself with their presence is beyond me. I finally caved and slightly mentioned it and before I knew it they were gone. I had so many mixed emotions, relief and anger both.

Later I come home to an empty house and searched high and low for those meds. I have had a moment of the fuck-its. Steve is good at hiding things … too good and I am angry and grateful. This disease plays you …. the you that is sober and the you that is still an addict. It can be very confusing and all consuming. It is exhausting.

I know the pitfalls of addiction. I know the benefits of being sober. The disease of addiction will rear its ugly head whenever and however it can. I know I could easily fall for it. It is cunning, baffling and powerful as it showed it self to be this past week.

I am still not sure if I am over it yet. Yikes!!!

Category: anesthesia

The Engagement and other Life Events

The Pain Meds