I have a resentment. A resentment against a family member and it is eating me alive. I am not sure if the situation is real or perceived, nonetheless I have these feelings of anger and resentment toward this person … well, actually persons.
It doesn’t matter the situation or the particulars.
I don’t like conflict and I am more of a passive – aggressive type and we know this doesn’t do anybody any good.
What do they say about the alcoholic and resentments…. The big book states on page 66, “It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die. If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.”
I know I need to put my big girl panties on and confront the situation, no matter how difficult that may be for me. For my sake and the sake of my sanity as well as the foundation of my family this must be dealt with…. maybe tomorrow.
We went to a concert the other night at a small outside venue. It was a great show. what I noticed though was the very long lines at every beer / wine stand. The world drinks and I don’t and sometimes that is a lonely place.
On the way out an older lady needed help out to the car, flanked on both sides by friends…. she was wasted. My thoughts went to several places. I felt pity for her, sad actually. I also felt a tinge of jealousy. She obviously had a lot more fun than I did at the show. While I enjoyed myself, it is hard for me to let loose under any circumstance.
When I was drinking I was fun, the life of the party. Sober, I don’t think I am as fun. I still get social anxiety with no drink or pill to calm it. But I didn’t always drink like other people drank and normal drinkers don’t obsess about the drink and where and when the next one is coming. Normals can sip the wine and make 1 glass last awhile, I couldn’t.
The more I thought about it, especially the next day, I was grateful to be sober. That drunk lady was probably pretty sick. I felt great and got to enjoy a wonderful day with my AA sponsorship family at the park.
No hangover for me.
I have been getting a little out of my comfort zone lately. The biggest thing that I did was today, I was interviewed about my recovery story and my thoughts on addiction for a podcast. I have decided being totally anonymous really isn’t helping anyone. I do have this blog where I discuss my issues with addictions, but doing this podcast takes it to a whole new level. I was really nervous about doing this and sounding like a dork, but luckily I get to hear the final edit before it posts. I really hope it turned out well and that it will resinate with someone who listens. Being uncomfortable for a minute is worth it if it helps someone.
Turns out it wasn’t so bad doing it after we got started. It was just like talking to a friend. I did stumble some but hopefully that will be taken care of in editing. I am anxious to hear how it turned out and totally trusting my interviewer, Nick.
Nick has a great website called Open Discussion Movement and I think you should check it out at https://ODMovement.com. A lot of great stuff on addiction issues and he has a wide range of guests on his podcast with different experiences with addiction.
Getting out of your comfort zone every now and then feels good. It is definitely a growth experience. My sponsor told me just the other day how much I was growing and changing … and that my friend is a good thing.