No Words for this one

November 3, 2021November 3, 2021 ~ lorah ~ Leave a comment

The halloween party was fantastic. We had such a great turn out and a lot of creative costumes and yummy chili. Of course some things weren’t as I would have them, but it was okay. I am still learning to let go of control. I would love to post pictures, but it is an anonymous program.

So many things in life our out of our control. I want control, I want to be able to take care of those I love and i want to fix things and make life better. I have to remember that serenity prayer for acceptance, courage and wisdom.

I have a sponsee, my very first. We started working together about 6 years ago. I was just over 1 year sober myself. She reminded me of myself in terms of having a hard time staying sober. We had a lot of friends in common and just clicked. She moved, we tried to stay in touch some, but we all know how that goes. She has always though held a special place in my heart. She is a lovely person.

She recently came home to live with her parents. She had to leave everything behind. Even her 11 year old twins. She was in a domestic violence situation. Her story is like so many others that we hear of, one of control, manipulation and violence . The kids are okay and she sees them a couple of times a week and talks to them daily, but they are 2 hours away in another state and they want their mother.

Her (husband) has been planning, controlling and running the show for years. He has documented her alcoholism and the psychotic break she had when she could no longer take the abuse. He is trying to paint the picture of an unfit mother. She is anything but. His actions have destroyed this lovely lady.

My friend is broken. She is void of happiness and life. She has no self worth, she is depressed, she is isolating, she is scared. She is currently sober despite everything. We met the other day at my house. I just needed her to get out and she needed reassurance that she was okay. We talked, we cried. My heart is broken for her and her kids. I want to control the outcome of this, I want to fix this for her, but there is nothing I can do except, I can be a friend, I can love her, I can pray for her and I can listen. I want to be able to do more. But this has to just play out. She only has supervised visitation with her children at this point because of the ugly picture her (husband) has painted. They meet at the end of the month in court for unsupervised visits and the custody hearing is not until next June. A year after she fled the abuse. She doesn’t think she can last that long in the current climate of things.

I needed to write this. I am trying to process. I can’t imagine how she is trying to process. I am afraid for her. Her children are her life and without them she has no will. It is hard for me to imagine someone that is supposed to love you to do the things he has done to her. I can see her desperation and despair. Her eyes show it. The thing I did tell her is that I still see a spark and we have to use that spark to fight. I will be with her every step of the way. I am grateful she has a loving parents who are helping her and taking care of her. She is getting outside help, but nothing seems like enough.

I have no control in this situation. My friend doesn’t have much control at this time either. The (husband) holds the cards and I can only pray that that will change in time. The children have seen some of the abuse and are witnesses to the truth. God please help this woman and her kids and help me to have the right words to comfort and support her.

My heart is shattered.

Sadie ❤️

November 9, 2020November 9, 2020 ~ lorah ~ Leave a comment

I really don’t know how to write this ….. tonight will be the last night my sadie girls sleeps on this earth, in her bed, in our room. The last night we will hear her loud snores as she sleeps. We have the appointment with the vet to put her down tomorrow.

It gives me comfort to know that she has had a good life. She has been a wonderful pet and part of our family for the last 13 years. She is feeling her age and her arthritis is getting worse. We had a quality of life appointment with the vet last week. He told us winter would be unbearable for her and this move would take its toll on her as well. It was a hard decision to make. She still has some good days and a happy face, but we know she is in pain and her quality of life is diminishing fast.

So in the midst of moving (the movers will be her in 3 days), we find ourselves loving on our Sadie Belle a little more. I wonder what she is thinking with all this packing going on and the attention she is getting. Does she know? I have stocked up on McDonald’s cheeseburgers and am feeding her what she likes, whenever she wants it.

My Murphy and Pepper dogs died on their own. I have never had an appointment to put one of my dogs down. It seems so odd to me to have an appointment for death. It is very sad to think that tomorrow at this time she will no longer be with us.

Sadie my sweet girl, with tears in my eyes I write this …. I love you, you have been a wonderful pup.

To Be of Service

September 2, 2020 ~ lorah ~ Leave a comment

I have had a number of sponsees in recovery over the years. Some stay, some go back out, some move on to other sponsors. I am actively working with 4 ladies and sort of another and 2 are MIA. Regardless, I remain available to each and every one of them.

I recently got a new sponsee. Someone who has been in the program for a few years, wanted a change and really wants to put more effort in her recovery program. I am super excited to work with her. She did have 15 years before a relapse. We are on the same page about a lot of things. I think we can help and guide each other.

The same week I got a text from a sponsee that has been out “working on her lead”, who I had not heard from for at least a year +. She had had some consequences and was ready to give sobriety another try. We have just started working back on step 1. She is touching base every day and is definitely on that pink cloud of recovery. She seems ready, able and willing. I just need to get her to see the benefit of more meetings.

I have a coffee date planned with another sponsee later this week. This one does not go to meetings at all, but seems to be able to stay sober in spite of herself. I don’t her from her too often. Hopefully she will show up and I can catch up with how she is doing.

I have also had lunch and coffee dates recently with some program friends who needed an ear. I am happy to oblige.

Today I got to go to a friends house with a group of women in recovery to just sit outside and fellowship …. cookies and lemonade included. It was a wonderful afternoon with some ladies I don’t hang out with too often.

My husband asked me what I really wanted to do in this next chapter of our lives and I told him that I thought I was doing it …. at least part of it. I love my friends in recovery. And I really love being a sponsor and of service to others.

I am grateful that today friends can count on me. It feels good to be needed and helpful. This past week I have seen, helped, listened to someone in recovery each day. These women and men too are my life line. I have my tribe and I love each of them dearly.

Thank you God for using me to help others.

Now 53

June 9, 2020July 1, 2020 ~ lorah ~ Leave a comment

Today is June 9th ….. My birthday and I am now 53 years old. Time keeps marching by. This year I am in Sarasota Florida with my husband and 22 year old daughter, We bought a condo here with my brother and friend. It is nice to get away, but you all know I like home best.

I went back and read the post when I turned 51 and all the gratitude I had for life. Today I am still grateful, but life seems so much more complicated, out of control and in need of a makeover.

We are getting through this COVID 19 pandemic. The lock downs are letting up and stores are opening, but people are still afraid and wearing mask while keeping distance. Only so many allowed in restaurants and stores. A lot of people are still out work and it is difficult to find a job. Most people are just over the whole thing. But all are unsure of what will happen next and what our new normal will be.

Then comes the Black Lives Matters protests over the killing of a black man by a white police office. I get the disgust, uproar and the protests, but I hate to see all the rioting and other people killed because of it. Yes we need change and equality. I get that, but destroying property and causing trouble is not to me the answer, but then again what do I know about being black … nothing. All I know is that the rioting is scary and that we need a new normal of acceptance of all people.

The other thing that is going on is that one of my younger daughter’s friends passed away … the reason they are thinking is getting hit with tear gas at one of the above said protest. We are still waiting for confirmation of the exact cause of death. Rumors are flying around, people are harassing the family and social media is going crazy. Definitely a hard time for the family and friends of this young woman and also this mother.

So this year on my birthday I am struggling to make sense out of life, struggling to stay sober and struggling to stay sane. I just wonder what this world is coming to. Sometimes I even struggle with what to pray for and about right now while things are in such upheaval.

I do look back and realize how privileged my life has been despite all the issues I have faced. I had everything I needed during the COVID lockdown, I am not in a city where violence and rioting is going on and my children are alive and healthy. I can get the health care I need and the addiction treatment I need. I have a loving stable family and many friends both in and out of recovery. We have the means to survive.

So on this day, June 9, 2020 I am 53 years old. The world is in chaos, but I can still find the gratitude I need to keep on Keeping on!!!

My Corona

March 21, 2020 ~ lorah ~ Leave a comment

With the whole world in an uproar with the coronavirus – everyone is trying to find their new normal while staying home in quarantine and/or social distancing. It hasn’t been easy for anyone and everyone has had to sacrifice something.

I think this is a good lesson in common human decency. Some people have it and many don’t. Who are those people who are hoarding all the goods, being rude to store employees doing their best and selfishly going about life possibly spreading the virus? I can’t say I have totally stayed home. I have gone to the grocery, AA meetings, restaurants for carry-out and of course I have been out to get my daily chai tea latte from the local coffee shop. I don’t think those activities are too hateful and we are being mindful of others and ourselves while doing these activities.

My girls both are at a pivotal time in their lives. Both are in limbo. Graduation is postponed until August. Jobs will be hard to find and moving may be impossible. We are all having to sacrifice, this is just how it is affecting my family. It is a small inconvenience when you look at the rest of the world and what people are going through. We are lucky that we have what we need and that we have the means to help our children through this should they need it, for that I am truly grateful.

I know it is going to get worse before it gets better. We all have to be prepared and be willing to hunker down at home as much as possible.

AA has been a challenge. Our club is still currently open. I am sure it is only a matter of time before we are mandated to close. Recovery fellowship and meetings are so important to the recovering addict / alcoholic. It is amazing how this recovery community from across the country and the world have come together putting meetings online in different forms. We have set up virtual meetings at our club. I think we finally have it set up and ready to go. Some people are still going to meetings in person while others are opting for the virtual type. I feel it is a personal decision. I somehow got “elected” to put together the virtual meetings for our club. With the help of a couple others, we did it! It was a lot of trial and error. But I am proud that I figured it out as I am the least technical person I know. I think I am ready to go to virtual meetings, but being one of the point people for the virtual, I also feel I have an obligation to be at the meetings in person to “broadcast” via my computer to those at home. The state has asked that no more than 10 people gather, our meetings have had more lately. We have a board meeting tomorrow and I believe we are going to need to set some parameters to limit numbers of people in the meetings in the midst of this virus outbreak. We too need to be careful of not spreading the coronavirus among us and to others.

Our family restaurant and manufacturing business is still open – we are mainly delivery and carry-out so we are allowed to still operate. I pray for the wellbeing of our employees and am grateful that our doors are still open and that we can provide jobs to many. As a company we are doing what we need to to keep everyone safe.

These are very scary and uncertain times for everyone across the world. I mostly anxious about the economy and what is going to happen. My mental state has been surprising better, but the anxiety is real.

All we can currently do is take one day at a time and practice love and tolerance … and Pray!

Original Care Team

March 11, 2020March 15, 2020 ~ lorah ~ Leave a comment

I had a wonderful care team made up of my primary care doctor, my psychologist and my chiropractor. Each one of these people were essential in helping me deal with my Ulcerative Colitis, depression/anxiety and in helping me to get sober. They were an important part of my life and making sure I continued to live.

My primary doctor worked really hard in trying to control my Xanax intake and my obsession with self harm. He referred my to my GI doctor who in return referred me to the Cleveland Clinic for colon removal surgery. He took good care of me after that surgery and took my phone calls at all hours. This physician really cared about me, was a family friend and went the extra mile to ensure my safety and health. He retired (2015)

My therapist worked with my doctor. It was her who called him and said I needed treatment for the addiction to benzo drugs. My therapist helped with so many mental challenges including my diagnosed clinical depression and general anxiety disorder as well as the addiction / alcoholism and the self harm. She knew me most times better than I knew myself. I always told her I would never let her retire because I needed her in so many ways. She retired (2018).

My chiropractor who became a friend was a great help during my illness. When I could not eat due to the effects of the Ulcerative Colitis she delivered supplements to my home. When my mental health started getting wacky she referred me to the local psychologist who became my therapist for 15 years. She has helped me through thick and thin. It was my friend and chiropractor who I went to when I was told I had an addiction issue from my therapist to ask her thoughts and what I should do regarding going to treatment. It was her who took me to my first AA meeting. She helped me heal from my car accident. She has taken care of me and my girls and has been a great asset to our health. Today was our last appointment …. she is retiring.

The above care team was the best and they all went far above the call of duty to care for me. I don’t know what I would have done or where I would be without them. Probably not alive. Even though I have grown and have a handle on my mental health for the most part and little problems with the no colon / Jpouch I feel like I am now left to my own devices. I don’t do well with change and things have changed greatly and life continues to move on.

I have a new therapist who I can really connect with who I saw on occasion in past. It is a good fit and she is very helpful to me. She is always there to return a phone call at all hours and to talk me down no matter what the problem. I have a new physician, I like her, but she doesn’t know me like my original doctor or my (real) history. Medicine has changed and it is almost impossible to get an appointment when needed. I will try the new chiropractor at the office, but it won’t be the same. I retired so I can not complain when others do the same especially since they are older than I.

So really I have to put my big girl pants back on and embrace the change. I do miss those from my original care team but it has been years since my surgery, my mental health diagnosis, and addiction. They have all moved on and maybe I need to do the same.

Our Old Puppy

January 10, 2020 ~ lorah ~ Leave a comment

Our puppy, Sadie Belle, a tan/blonde beagle lab mix, is now an old dog. We have been through this before, but it is never easy to watch your beloved pup age. They can not tell us what is wrong and what hurts, we can only take the cues. Sadie has been on medications for arthritis, is lumpy with fatty tumors and with skin tags on various parts of her body and a growth of sorts on her leg.

Sadie went in for surgery today to remove the growth ( I am not a vet and can’t remember what it was called) and several skin tags. While she was under we had an X-ray done to check the arthritis. Sadie is home and doing well. Her limp on the right side was getting worse, so there was no surprise when arthritis showed up, the severity is rather alarming though. She also has a bone spur in the area. We were sure it was her shoulder, but it is all in her elbow.

I too am experiencing arthritis (in my hands) so I understand the discomfort. But what do we do next for Sadie? There are several options. Surgery is not really one of those options because of Sadie’s age. There is laser therapy and the better option of a lubricant type of shot. The shot has to be given monthly at the vet clinic, a pain to do yes …. but our dogs are part of our family and she is worth the expense whatever we decide.

We got Sadie as a nine month old puppy from the humane society. She has been there with us through thick and thin. I will do what it takes to make her comfortable in her senior years, it is the least I can do for all the love and loyalty she has given us for the past 12 ish years.

We go back to the vet to get her stitches removed in a couple of weeks at that time we will make our plan. For now, we have pain meds and a few other things to make her more comfortable.

We don’t know how long anyone, human or animal will be on this earth. We just take it one day at a time and love with all we have.

Freedom to Choose

October 18, 2019October 20, 2019 ~ lorah ~ Leave a comment

I was at a twelve step meeting the other day …. I forget the topic, but we were reading from “As Bill Sees It, The AA way of Life” and we read a passage on the Freedom to Choose and it really got me to thinking more about the choices we have in life.

When I talked with my sponsor (in the past) about really wanting to drink or other things with a possible negative outcome, she would always tell me in part that the choice was mine. I didn’t like that or understand it, but now I do. In the past while in active addiction, I really didn’t have a choice. Sober, I always have the choice to do what is right or to do what is wrong. My journey, my choice.

In the “As Bill Sees It” reading it says: “Looking back, we see that our freedom to choose badly was not, after all, a very real freedom. When we chose because we must this was not a free choice either, But it got us started in the right direction. When we chose because we ought to , we were really doing better. This time we were earning some freedom, making ourselves ready for more. But when, now and then, we could gladly make right choices without rebellion, hold-out, or conflict, then we had our first view of what perfect freedom under God’s will could be like.”

For awhile I felt trapped into being sober, like I had no choice because of my commitment to my sponsees and my position on the board at our local meeting club. In reality I chose to do things to help keep me in line and to keep me sober and doing the next right thing. I always have the choice to give up those things and return to a life a despair. My journey, my choice.

Today, I like the choices I have made in staying sober and my commitment to helping others. My life, my family, my friends are all better because of the choices I have made in the past several years.

Today I choose to be sober …. Happy, Joyous and Free!

And the Point Is …..?

September 2, 2019September 2, 2019 ~ lorah ~ Leave a comment

Does anyone ever really think ….. What is the point?

I often ponder why I was put on this earth and what I am supposed to accomplish. It is a heavy question and a burden.

I know I am supposed to be a good person of faith, love and compassion. But is there more? Was I put on this earth to suffer with my disease of Ulcerative Colitis, addiction, depression and anxiety so I could help and be of service to others? Surely I didn’t go through those things for no reason …. the outcome of those issues is that I am a stronger more compassionate understanding individual. Maybe it is all to help me grow into the person that I am supposed to be. I don’t know.

For awhile I thought my purpose was to be a Mom and it was, but my children are grown and on their own now. Yes, I am still their Mother, but in a different capacity.

Maybe there is no point after all and it is just life and then we die.

But I have to believe there has to be a purpose to this journey here on earth or there wouldn’t be a point to be here and to participate in this life.

I often pray to know God’s will for me and the only thing that I know for sure is that He wants me to be Sober and of Service …. maybe that is the point and the only point and I have to let that be enough, but is it enough?