Goodbye 2020 – what a crazy, difficult, unprecedented year you were. So many things we take for granted in life have had to change because of happenings of 2020. We have been forced to embrace the suck of this past year.
So far 2021 is starting out with some difficulty. I am sick – yuck. I had the COVID test this morning so it will be a couple of days before I know for sure if I have it. The symptoms of the last day are pointing to me having it. Head cold, aches, cough … and the tell tale sign of the loss of taste among other things. I am hoping I did not pass the virus on if I have it since I was out and about thinking I had a sinus infection for a couple days before the real symptoms hit. So needless to say I am now in quarantine.
So because of this I have had to miss all the NYE and Day meetings at the club, just like I had to miss all the Christmas meetings. I can’t help with the clean up of putting decorations away. I have been in contact with my “team” and it will all be taken care of. It is humbling to realize the world can the club can function just fine without me. I have to once again let go of that control.
So what do I want to do in this brand new year ….. a brand new chapter in the book of life. I definitely need to get healthy and get back to an exercise program. Since I quite last year with my depression and then covid – well, I have been a slug! I also want to take the writing more seriously even if it is just for me or a memoir for the family. I want to get back into the big book of AA and up my program. I feel I have been somewhat complacent as of late. I overall want to be a good person with gratitude, humility and hope. Those I think are my goals for 2021 …. I won’t call them New Year’s Resolutions, but I guess they kinda are.
Even with the “New Normal” of 2020 I have found much gratitude in the small stuff. So many things looked different last year than what we expected especially with Kirsten’s graduation from college, and all the virtual meetings and gatherings. But with pain and difficulty comes growth … I truly believe that. We have learned to deal with things we thought we would never have to deal with.
Life happens and we just have to accept it as it comes …. So here is to 2021 and all the adventures that await us. Now hopefully I don’t start out the year getting really sick with this stupid covid.
Life is crazy and is getting crazier by the minute.
Moving is totally stressing me out. There just isn’t enough room or cabinet space for all our mountains of stuff. Sometimes I wonder why in the world we are doing this. I have to remember in the long run it will be good. I also wonder why do we have so much stuff still, when we got rid of so much. My whole body hurts, but we still have a lot to do before the movers come next week.
On a national level …. this election for President of the United States is a mess. So many different opinions and hatefulness for the other side. It is very disheartening. To have to board up your home and business because of the outcome of the election is so wrong. I really just don’t understand some people. I just hope that whoever ends up winning that there will be acceptance. You don’t have to agree, but we need to accept without going crazy mad. I have my opinion and a strong belief in that opinion and of course I hope my guy wins. Both of my girls are for the opposite and I have to let them have their own opinions. I am not going to hate or disown them as I have seen some do. I have heard it said if you vote for X, I don’t want anything to do with you …. what is that? I feel that this country is at a breaking point. Personally I hate confrontation, I just want everyone to be happy, joyous and free as we like to say in AA. All this violence and discord scares me.
Through all this my sobriety remains good. My sponsor just celebrated 30 years of being sober, which I can not fathom. A month from now I will have my 6 years. As far as my sponsees go, I am actively working with 3 women as of now. They all actually contact me and are working on the steps. So many have fallen by the wayside.
Well, I have to get back to the packing thing – the Tylenol has finally kicked in.
My baby niece turned 4 yesterday, It seems like yesterday that she was a tiny thing. It was a unicorn pool party and of course our little Caroline was adorable. she has a boat load of girl cousins from both sides of the family …. there are 11 of them. My 2 girls, 25 and 22, my youngest brothers kids 17,15 and 11 then the cousins on the other side are 13, 10, 8, 5, 2 and our 4 year old birthday girl. Quite the range of cousins, but all girls! All were there except Allie who has recently moved to Texas.
Then there are the adults. Family and friends who are like family. Everyone is an Aunt or Uncle besides the grandparents. Caroline is a lucky girl to have so many adults to love on her and spoil her. Caroline really knows how to get along and act with adults, like I said she is adorable!
These pool parties, even a birthday party for a kid, some how turn into a drink fest. There were fancy slushy drinks in hollowed out pineapples – with alcohol of course …. and lots of beer and white claw type drinks. Who doesn’t want to drink on a hot day at a pool party, right? And for me it was ok not to drink …. that is until everyone has had a little too much and I got a little too irritated. I know I have lost that luxury to drink and my problems should not affect how others drink or not drink, and it doesn’t bother anyone but me. I was definitely bothered. Some know why I don’t drink, others don’t. Some offer me drinks which I politely decline and others claim I am grumpy because I need a drink (at the end of the night when most are pretty lit). It can be quite annoying and trigger the poor me feelings.
Sometimes when a lot of drinking is happening and I know it is time to go ….. it is difficult to pull Steve away (not usually, but sometimes). He was clearly enjoying himself and the beverages a little too much. Why do I get so angry and as one friend said grumpy? drinking is one thing, drunkenness is another and my tolerance varies. I still feel awkward when everyone is at that point and I am left with my seltzer water. I don’t like it. I have to know myself and play that tape all the way through of what will happen if I do enjoy the drink. I know it will not end well for me. Finally I just gave the final warring …. I am leaving NOW, with or without you. A wise friend suggested that he “get on that bus” and go home. lol.
I feel good today ….. no hangover. But I still feel irritated. I am playing that passive aggressive game. Stupid. No one knows I am angry, but I definitely am not being what you would call nice.
I need to get over myself and let others live their lives as they see fit, but I can not let their choices affect me and my sobriety. The party started at 1:00 PM and I finally got to leave at 9:30 PM (with a little break in between to feed the dogs). That is long birthday party for a little girl. And let me tell you those kids where still going strong, just getting out of the pool as we were leaving. To be young again and to be able to drink again …… that ship has sailed.
Like I said in my last post, I was to give my lead (my addiction journey) at my Sunday AA meeting. Well ….. I am proud to say I did it!
I was surprisingly calm. I am usually a basket case before a lead. I didn’t have the time to worry about it with only 1 days notice. I usually would have not accepted a last minute offer or I would have spent the 4th of July at home practicing and writing instead of enjoying the holiday. I was not a bit nervous and had no anxiety. Very strange for someone like me who is an anxious person to begin with.
In the past, I would practice practice practice, make notes and write down word for word what I wanted to say. This time I decided it was time to let go of the control and give it over to God. Just letting go of the outcome had a peaceful affect on me. I like to be in control. Letting it go is not my usual way.
I have been doing much better of giving over control of other things as well. There is an upcoming picnic for our club, planned by my social committee. I have given over control and am letting others help. Things may not match perfectly, the cake not be decorated as I would have chosen and I am letting folks bring whatever they choose. I like things to be a certain way when I am planning something. Life as we know it will not end if things aren’t perfect, in fact I will probably be the only one to notice.
Back to my story or as we call call it my lead ….. it came off well. People in the rooms laughed with me when appropriate, they listened with open ears and the comments afterwords were encouraging. I talked for approximately 40 minutes with no notes, no practice and no idea of what I was going to say. I let God have control over my words and it worked. It took away the fear and anxiety and I just spoke from my heart. When it was over, I was not sure exactly what I said, but all the feedback was quite positive and it felt good. I felt relieved that I could get out of my comfort zone and do this. Who knows now what I will be able to do next.
It has taken me years to loosen the reigns of control especially in giving a lead. I have given several during my 13 years in the program, but not once I have let go until this last time. I know I am finally making progress, I am learning more about myself and I am trusting the process. All good stuff.
So instead of just saying the words; Let Go and Let Go, I have to practice what I preach!
Well, we are going on close to a month of this stay at home order. I have been keeping fairly busy with various tasks around the house. I still have not really been anywhere. Going out each morning to the little coffee shop in town to get my chai tea latte and coffee for Steve and Kirsten is usually the highlight of my day. I have met up with a couple of friends as we sit in our cars at a distance to chat. Face to face interaction with friends is very much needed. I especially miss my in person sober tribe.
I have been doing the zoom AA meetings quite regularly, but it is starting to get old. I have not been able to totally pay attention in the zoom meetings. I have been very easily distracted in those meetings. I desperately need to get back to the in person meetings. Though our club is still open and operating, I am just not comfortable at this time in light of the virus and the stay at home orders. I miss the fellowship of the meetings. I have had drinking dreams and using thoughts and desire, by the grace of God I have not acted on those thoughts. I do know that nothing good would come from it. But too much idle time is not good for this addict and there is a lot of time with not much to do!
I have been trying to stay in contact with friends from the program and staying in touch with my sponsees. I did a 3rd step with one of my girls via Facetime and I have another step meeting scheduled. Working with others and getting out of self for bit is very helpful during this time of quarantine. But still it is not face to face so it is a very different kind of step work.
I am trying to do some little task from home from where I volunteer. We had a volunteer zoom meeting the the other day and it was nice to see some of the ladies I have been working with. I have also done some virtual get togethers with my sober peeps, just to chat. We are all trying to do the best we can to stay connected.
There are a lot of zoom meetings in the recovery community from all over the country and the world that one could join. I have been sticking with my clubs meetings, but maybe need to try some others for something a little different. I love how everyone in recovery is trying to help those in program stay the course.
I am still trying to find the gratitude. I have everything I need. We still have money coming in, we have food, we have a nice home to be isolated in and we are healthy. I am trying to choose to find the good. I am not going to say it is not difficult, because it is. There is still fear, fear of getting the Covid19, the fear of the economic impact and just fear about what is happening in the world. So many things that I can not control.
Life especially right now is so unpredictable and I have to stick with taking it one day at a time to try to keep my sanity while I am staying home.
I am coming up on 5 years of continuous sobriety … to be exact, I have 4.94 years, 59.37 months or 1,807 days clean and sober and I got served an alcoholic drink Saturday night at a restaurant.
I was out with my husband and some friends and ordered my usual club soda and cranberry, but ….. it came with vodka (a lot of vodka) Not knowing this, I took a really big sip of my drink and OMG. I immediately felt that warm and fuzzy feeling. That feeling that makes us want to drink more. It would have been easy to continue to drink it, but my immediate reflex was to recoil from it as if it were a hot flame, like it says in the AA big book. (Wow is that me, sort of quoting the big book!)
I will not lie, after just taking that one gulp … I have had some obsessive thoughts about drinking. It is amazing how fast your head can get crazy with just one taste of alcohol. You see I liked the taste of alcohol, I liked the way it made me feel. With that one drink, I remembered all the wonderful things about why I liked alcohol and the way it made me feel invincible. But all I have to do is play that tape all the way through and remember in the end how it really made me feel along with the pills and how it could have destroyed me. The thing is, a few days later, I can still remember that taste of vodka in my drink with just that one big sip. But I am in recovery and I have to remember I am in recovery and how good my life is today; mentally, physically and spiritually. I am grateful that the urge to drink didn’t take over and that I have my tools to get through this. It is not totally over yet, but I will get through this and in 20 days I will, by the grace of God, have made it to 5 years!
It is that time of year when the weather starts getting cooler and the leaves are changing color ….. the best part of fall though is Halloween!
Being on the board at our local recovery club, my position is all things social. Last night was our annual Halloween Party …. The Monster Mash Chili Bash. I am proud of the parties and activities that have taken place in the last 18 months since I have been planning social activities. Before our club didn’t do much, but now we support many fun activities. I have planned parties, a picnic, and a night watching our local baseball team among other things.
I can not take all the credit, I have a great committee that is ever evolving. I have never been a leader, but this is now all under my direction. I have taken control, doing most of the planning, foot work and gathering of supplies. I am a control freak by nature ….. I want things to be a certain way, and I certainly want to control outcomes. The definition of control: The power to influence or direct peoples behavior or the course of events. Not having control causes me a good amount of anxiety (and not just with party planning).
This last party, I let go of some of the control and let other members take the reins. While some things might not have been done the way I would have done them, it was all ok. I had less work to do and more help and those other members felt valued. That is a win all around. It was a growth opportunity for me to let go of some of that control. I still had anxiety, worried that everything wouldn’t be perfect and that people would not have a good time. You know what … people really don’t expect perfect. I have to know that I can not control whether or not they have fun or not. I have to remember that I can not control the outcome, that I can only do the footwork.
No one really has control, we have to Let Go and Let God!