I love being sober. I love the life I have created, the friends that I have made and the people I may help by being sober. The gifts of sobriety are too numerous to count.
The disease of addiction though, is cunning, baffling and powerful. It wants to see me use, it wants to see me dead. My diseases recently reared its ugly head that made me questions everything I know and love.
It started about 10 days ago, with a medical procedure. I had my no colon version of the colonoscopy, a pouchoscopy. A test to take a look at my Jpouch that is sort of the same monster of the colonoscopy. In the past when I had my check ups at the Cleveland Clinic with my surgeon no anesthesia was used. New hospital and new surgeon, a lot closer to home and the use of anesthesia. Yay!!! because the other way in my opinion was barbaric. I am an addict. I like anesthesia. My drug of choice was a sedative. The all day sleep I got after the procedure and that kinda groggy feeling was all too familiar. Ok, so it really was no big deal.
That was a Friday, fast forward to the following Monday and I had my hand surgery for carpal tunnel. I just had a local for that one – numb hand and fully aware and awake. But that one came with pain pills, though it is not my drug of choice it is still a good drug! I took one as soon as I could with the still numb hand as directed by the doctor and took a nice nap. Took another one for the next 3 nights. Good sleep. Ok, so no problem, I am taking them as directed. It is when the pain isn’t enough to warrant the pain meds that the problems begin.
When do you stop, how do you know the pain is really over? I believe you know, I knew. But those damn pills where still there and they wanted me to take them. They never stopped singing that sweet song as my sponsor said. Spoiler alert: I did not take the pills. I struggled, I fought with myself, I obsessed, I stressed. I held the pills, I counted the pills, I even tried to smell the pills. All this and I was just a little bit stronger than the disease …. this time. I talked to my therapist and I emailed with my sponsor. They both told me to do what I knew to do – hand over the pills to Steve to get rid of for me. God knows I could not throw them out. But I did not want to. Why I felt the need to hang on to them and torture myself with their presence is beyond me. I finally caved and slightly mentioned it and before I knew it they were gone. I had so many mixed emotions, relief and anger both.
Later I come home to an empty house and searched high and low for those meds. I have had a moment of the fuck-its. Steve is good at hiding things … too good and I am angry and grateful. This disease plays you …. the you that is sober and the you that is still an addict. It can be very confusing and all consuming. It is exhausting.
I know the pitfalls of addiction. I know the benefits of being sober. The disease of addiction will rear its ugly head whenever and however it can. I know I could easily fall for it. It is cunning, baffling and powerful as it showed it self to be this past week.
I am still not sure if I am over it yet. Yikes!!!